1. El Al Security Woman: “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”   Shloimey: “Listen, if it was without my knowledge, how should I know?”
  2. A voice was heard on Israeli Radio.  “This is Station OYVEH Tel Aviv, 1830 on your dial…. but for you, 1825.”
  3. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick. (George Burns)
  4. How does the  Prime Minister’s celebrate Yom Ha’Atzmaut?  BiBiQ
  5. The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup (Bob Hope)
  6. What is the name of the dance we do on Yom Ha’Atzmaut?  The Indepen-dance
  7. A car hit an Israeli man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “Eh, I make a good living.”
  8. What is Israel’s #1 Internet search provider? NetanYAHOO
  9. A guy is partying on Rothchild and suddenly noticed he lost his wallet. He got up on the bar and shouted, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over 500 shekels in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give 50 shek!” A voice from the back of the bar shouted, “I will give 75!”
  10. Every day, a religious Jew was seen praying in front of the Wailing Wall. One day, a non-observant Israeli walked up to him and said, “I see you here every day, seven days a week. Tell me, what are you praying to G-d for?” To this, the man replied, “I am telling G-d of my tsuris (troubles), of my financial problems, about my daughter who can’t find a husband, and asking him to help me.” “Well,” the secular Jew asked, “does He send you help?” The man turned to him and said, “No, but what do you expect? It’s like talking to a wall.”
  11. Reuven: Knock, knock.  Shimon: Who’s there?  Reuven: Israeli.  Shimon: Israeli, who? Reuven: Israeli hot out here; open the door!
  12. A little Jewish boy was telling his mother about how he had won a part in a play that was being done at school. His mother asked, “What is the part you will play, Saul?” Saul responded, “I shall play the Jewish husband,” to which the mother replied, “Well, you go right back to that teacher and tell her that you want a SPEAKING part!
  13. What did the Jewish mother ask her son when he told her he was having an affair?  “Who is catering?”
  14. What do Israeli soldiers do when they get bored? They go over to the West Bank and the Gaza Strip and get stoned
  15. Hear about the new Japanese Israeli restaurant. It is called  “SohSueMi.”
  16. An old rabbi was having a discussion with a Secular Israeli. The Israeli man told the rabbi, “According to Nietzsche, God is dead. “The rabbi thought for a moment, then replied, “According to God, Nietzsche is dead.”
  17. “You’re in great shape,” says the doctor. “You’re going to live to be 70!” “But I am 70,” the patient replies. “Nu,” says the doctor, “did I lie?”
  18. Q. What do you call an Israeli water bed? A. The Dead Sea
  19. I flew on a EL AL airplane. The signs read: “No smoking.” “Fasten seat belts.” “Eat, eat, look how bad you look!” ~ Dave Berg (My Friend God)
  20. Are the Israelis friendly? Don’t ask! If you are lost in Israel and ask directions, they don’t tell you. They take you, then you both get lost. ~ Dave Berg (My Friend God)
  21. Students in Israel don’t riot. They’re too busy arguing what to riot about. ~ Dave Berg (My Friend God)
  22. In Israel, in order to be a realist you must believe in miracles ~ David Ben Gurion
  23. Tel-Aviv airport is still the only airport in the world where each passenger is met by ten relatives. ~ George Mikes (The Prophet Motive)
  24. I said in my earlier book, and find no reason for retracting my statement, that the famous Jewish sense of humour got lost in transit to Israel. ~ George Mikes (The Prophet Motive)
  25. Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better. ~ George Mikes (The Prophet Motive)
  26. ‘I don’t say a Zionist must be insane,’ said President Weizmann, ‘but it helps if he is.’ ~ George Mikes (The Prophet Motive)
  27. Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language. ~ George Mikes (The Prophet Motive)
  28. Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil! ~ Golda Meir
  29. If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we’d rather be alive and have the bad image. ~ Golda Meir
  30. One of the first sights that shocked me, when I came to Israel in 1921, was an Arab turning over a field with a very primitive plow; pulling the plow were an ox and a woman. Now, if it means that we have destroyed this romantic picture by bringing in tractors, combines, and threshing machines, this is true: we have. ~ Golda Meir
  31. We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel. ~ Golda Meir
  32. Zionism and pessimism are not compatible. ~ Golda Meir
  33. Every place we visited in Europe they talked about their past. They pointed with pride to their statues, museums, works of art. In Rome they showed us their ruins, in Paris their museums and paintings, in London their customs and traditions, but Israel, with the loftiest heritage of all in Biblical history, only talked about a future. ~ Joey Adams (Cindy and I)
  34. Shalom means “Hello,” “Goodbye,” “Glad to see you,” “See you soon” and “Peace.” Tommy Manville and Artie Shaw, who, between them, were married about 17 times, could live here a lifetime without learning any other word. ~ Joey Adams (Cindy and I)
  35. On a crowded bus (in Israel), a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. “You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?’’ The mother answered, “I don’t want he should forget he’s a Jew.’” ~ Kirk Douglas (The Ragman’s Son)
  36. It’s the Maccabi Games in Tel Aviv and just before their race, an American sprinter asks an Israeli opponent, “So what’s your best time for the 100 meters?” “Just over 8 seconds,” replies the Israeli.”But the world record is around 9 seconds,” says the astonished American. “Yes,” says the Israeli, “but I know a short cut.”
  37. Moshe is talking to his friend. “Did you know, Abe, that during sex, an average man loses about 250 calories whereas the average Israeli loses 1,250 calories?” “So how do you explain that?” asks Abe.  “Well,” replies Moshe, “the Israeli uses up 250 calories during sex and a further 1,000 calories whilst he’s running around telling all his friends.”
  38. Benny is on holiday in Israel and goes to a concert at the Minkovsky Auditorium. Benny asks one of the officials, “I was wondering whether this magnificent auditorium is named after Dovid Minkovsky, the famous biblical scholar?””No,” replies the official, “It’s named after Harry Minkovsky, the writer” “I’ve never heard of him,” says Benny, “what did he write?” “A cheque,” replies the official.
  39. Moshe was travelling back to London on an El Al flight from Tel Aviv and it was time for the main meal to be served. “Would you like dinner?” a flight attendant asked Moshe.”What are my choices?” he asked.”Yes or no,” she replied
  40. There’s an old Jewish man walking on the beach  he comes across a magic lantern. He rubs it and a genie comes out. The genie says to the old Jewish man, “I will grant you anything you want.” The old Jewish man pulls out a map of the Middle East and shows it to the genie and says, “I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis and the Palestinians.” The genie looks at the map and says, “I cannot do that. Anything else?” And so the Jewish man says, “I would like my wife to blow me one more time.” The genie says, “Let me see that map again.”
  41. Israel is 70 years old now. Palestinians were hoping that it would retire four years ago
  42. The El Al plane landed at Ben Gurion Airport, and as it taxied to the terminal, the voice of the captain was heard: “Please remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until this plane has come to a complete stop at the gate, and the seatbelt signs have been turned off. To those of you still seated, we wish you a Merry Christmas. To those of you standing in the aisles talking on your cell phones, Happy Hanukkah and welcome back home.”
  43. Knock, knock!  Who’s there?  Israel.  Israel who? Israel nice to meet you!
  44. Knock, knock.: Who’s there? Israeli.  Israeli, who? Israeli cold out here; open the door
  45. A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:  “Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?”  All the poles reply: “Meat? What is meat?”   Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:  “Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?”  All the Soviets reply: “Think? What is think?”  Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans:  “Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?” All the Americans reply: “Lack? What is lack?”  Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USA he decides to go to Israel, and asks the Israelis:  “Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?”  To which all the Israelis reply: “Excuse me? What is excuse me?”
  46.  Pickup Line:   “Are you Israeli? Cause you Israeli hottttttt”
  47. Israeli mother once gave her son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited, hge made sure to wear one. As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, “What’s the matter? You didn’t like the other one?”
  48. The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. They see this as a win-win for everyone and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!  You’re in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement  “Attention standby passengers – we now have a seat available on El Al flight number 386.