Eminem Melted. (Part 2 of 2)

Initially I had planned on writing a part II to my Eminem manifesto (yes, I said "manifesto" and yes, I hear you snickering) but to be honest I've changed my mind. You've had enough. I've had enough. I need to go listen to some Neil Diamond to balance out the rap in my life. They've given us the Shady cover of Entertainment Weekly, the New York Times Magazine feature–usually reserved for the Ebola virus in Zimbabwe or something about poor people getting poorer in Minnesota–Rolling Stone made Eminem man of the year, Spin gave him a cover, etc. etc. Even the New York Times' Maureen Dowd wrote a doting editorial about how much she and her middle aged female friends love Mathers. So, apparently it's gotten past the point of over-saturation. Yes, he's a genius. Yes, we love him. We saw the movie, bought the soundtrack, ate the cereal. But, Em, let's see other people for a while. No, it's not you, man. It's me-honest.

But if you're still not satisfied…if you still insist that you still want more Eminem (oh, like you read the last piece I wrote), I have no choice but to fight you and, in the spirit of Bang It Out, give you a Top 8* reasons list why I will not speak another word about the reverse Oreo from Detroit.
Here we go…

THE TOP EIGHT* REASONS WHY I WILL NOT WRITE ABOUT EMINEM ANYMORE

1. While entertaining some guests from the Down Under (not Florida), we happened upon a local bar's, 420, brand spanking new Karaoke night. How sad, I know. How the mighty, or the desperate, have fallen. While perusing through their almost exclusively-cheesy-song list, a young man in a suit, tie, and yarmulka, obviously coming straight from work, got up to perform "Fight For the Right To Party" by the Beastie Boys. It was embarrassing but completely understood. After all, the Boys, who purportedly went to MTA (by the way, this has been confirmed untrue), are all Jewish and are role models for nerdy Heebs everywhere. The lesson being that even WE can be cool. Not just cool, but innovators and trend setters. So what if we have to become Tibetan monks in the process? These are the sacrifices, people. But what happened next was really funny/sad/disturbing/painful/cool/not cool: our yarmulka'd friend got up for his second song (after my rousing version of "Baby, One More Time," which got me a record deal on the spot) and performed "The Real Slim Shady." His version was actually pretty close to the original, being that his nasily voice–for once-wasn't overtly annoying and sounded much like the titular rapper. This working bochur rapped the whole song through his noggin, without even looking at the monitor once and also, made sure to include every curse word (Yarmulka and Karoake Cursing: Desecration of God's Name? Discuss). This, my friends, is the image I will have for the rest of my life when I hear this song. This is enough to help me put away my Eminem records for a little bit. Wherever you are, my Shady Walking Frumster Profile ("I'm modern orthodox but still listen to Eminem. He's so cool that I can't help it. LOL."), number nine on this list is dedicated to you.

2. Slippers666@hotmail.com, who's love for Satan is only bested by her adoration for household shoes, wrote to me (I've kept the type-o's and mistakes for historical purposes):

  Hey Arye…

Just looked at bangitout again for the first time in like…half a year. its really great. i luv your stuff! k, so enough of being nice, here comes the real slim shady….

Well, im not proud of the fact that i listen to eminem…but what can i say? he's gotten me through my math exams. i like the beats, yes i even like the lyrics. No, really, i do listen to 'goyishe' music, and yes, i do feel remotely guilty, OK!!!!! very guilty.But reading your article makes it all better(<-thats best said with a sarcastic tone). From it ive learned that his anti women, gays, his constant swearing, yadda yadda is ok. its not him, its slim shady.(<-sarcastic tone works well here too) WHO ARE YOU KIDDING SWEETHEART? eminem is a real…perv, to put it shortly.(<-not sarcastic->) so please, before you defend eminem's twisted songs, think again. listen to the music, its got a nice beat, yes, if u dont listen closely, the lyrics are fine, but do not, DO NOT, try to defend him or let alone understand him. nice try arye, but please spare me! part 2 can go, unless u attempt to delve into the brain Missy Elliot (put your hat down flip and reverse it, cuz for this girl ure gonna need…well, a creative mind, at least) (this e-mail, by the way, its nothing personal, im just a bit emotional, ive got a chemistry exam tommorow and have lost my eminem CD)
have a great day, a great week, and a great shabbat, where of which u will talk of only holy things and NOT about eminem

You heard it, folks. She said Part 2 can't go. Well, my warm-footed friend of Beelzebub, you win.

3. Oh, man, I haven't been this confused about liking/hating someone since 10th grade (you know who you are, heartbreaker!). On the one hand, I really have plenty of reason to dislike Mathers as I mentioned in the last article. He is indeed misogynistic, sexist, angry and violent (even Slippers666 knows it!). On the other hand, all his lyrics are directed at basically only two women-his mom and estranged wife-who I'm told really deserve it. And I'm told he's so incredibly likable. It's a tough topic. Every time I think about this, I get so confused. I get flustered. It brings me back to that year. Ahh,10th grade…all I wanted was love. Does she like me back or what? I mean, she is sending me all the signals…did she just look at me? Oh, man! She is so into me! I know it….ok, ok…be cool. I'll be right back, I'm going to go over and talk to her. Stay here.

4. For the first time ever, Entertainment Weekly made the decision of spelling out a curse word for use in the Eminem article. They had never done this before in their publication and as far as I'm concerned, it was the beginning of their downfall. This magazine has always been a family-oriented pop-culture filled weekly rag that I, among millions of others, have come to rely upon for our quick fix of Ben and J. Lo. Well, now all that has changed. Before you know it, the magazine will be named Entertainment ****in' Weekly. And it's all Em's fault. Why couldn't he have just said "shoot." The editors have justified this decision by saying that they wanted to portray the real artist and by bleeping him out, they would take away from his eloquence or lack thereof. I say if there are people in this world who can't tell the difference between "****" (as in "that man is the ****") and the real word, our problems are not with preserving Eminem's golden vocabulary, but rather our country's obsession with a word that is basically the stronger version of "doody."

5. OK, so I'm a Jewish boy from Jersey. What do I know about:
· Rap
· Poor white trash from Michigan
· Beats (borscht? Yes, I know borscht)
· Being a white guy in a predominately black business
· Trigonometry
· Rap i.e. hip hop
Should I be the one talking about Eminem? And if you said the answer is "of course, because you think the world revolves around your opinion," you would be right.

6. The new song "Lose Yourself," off the 8 Mile Soundtrack is inspirational and brilliant. In fact, I will go so far as calling it the song of the year. But you've seen the video on MTV almost as often as this week's episode of the Real World. You've also heard the song on the radio so often that when Eminem screams "you gotta' lose yourself…" you almost want to shout back, "no, you first!" I never thought I would say this, but bring back the Backstreet Boys, just so I can hear the same two songs instead of just the same one.

7. Doesn't this one have to be about a shul in Teaneck or about some Pizza shop in Efrat? Or is it a pick up line during Chanukah? I know I'll get this Top Ten List format down eventually.

8. Eminem is a master marketer. He loves it when people talk about him (like I refuse to do now). He adores the magazine covers with his picture on it. He wants you to own the 8 Mile Soundtrack, which you bought. He even made a second volume called "More 8 Mile Soundtrack." You bought that, too. You didn't like it because it sucked. You tried returning it but that pimply annoying sales guy told you that the wrapper is off and you can't return it. You're screwed out of 18 dollars. Eminem is laughing all the way to his Chase ATM-can you hear him? You see, the whole Marshalls/Eminem/Slim Shady shtick is the rap world equivalent of a great advertising campaign. It's like "just do it" for Nike. Except this billboard is a human being. Flesh and blood. Hence, the song, "The Real Slim Shady." You can ask for the real Slim Shady to please stand up but he never will. You will get "the creation" to stand up. And Em knows that. This is the genius behind that song. It's almost as if he's taunting us. You want the real Eminem. Ha, you'll never get him. Well, since he loves the attention, which we've all given to him, he's become richer than we can all imagine. And the more money we spend on Vanilla Ice Latte, the more mysterious he makes himself. So, we're not going to get anywhere. No matter how hard we try. So you still want me to write about the real Eminem?

Ha, you'll never get me to.