George Carlin was niftar today. Some quotes from the master…from http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com
- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
- When someone is impatient and says, “I haven't got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
- What if there were no hypothetical questions?
- Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
- Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
- Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
- I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
- “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
- Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
- Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
- Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
- I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
- There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
- The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
- Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! …And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
- This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
————————-
Some more great quotes pulled from http://www.brainyquote.com
Always do whatever's next.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they're cramming for their final exam.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where's the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose… it'll be much harder to detect.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
Religion is just mind control.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
The status quo sucks.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Think off-center.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
When someone is impatient and says, “I haven't got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.