OFFICIAL IRANIAN TRAVEL BUREAU ANNOUNCES NEW TOURISM PLANS INCLUDING PUBLIC HANGINGS

 

    In an effort to boost the Iranian economy, its Ministry of Tourism and Beach Vacation Agency has announced a new line-up of travel opportunities that has surprised the free world, including the nations of Yemen, Gaza, and Seattle. 

 

    “While Iran has a gross national product almost as large as Bikini Atoll, Marshall Islands, where the U.S. tested its first nuclear bomb, we will have a full line-up of vacation offerings, including the Paradise Package at Club Dread, the Persian version of Club Med, which features 72 virgins for all males (depending on length of stay), and a special nuclear cake upon arrival at one of our many seaside and mountain resorts, including the oceanfront Hyatt Regency Motor Inn on Route 66 outside of Tehran,” announced Mohammed Al-Surfi (short for Surfside) who took over the directorship of the agency after the assassination of Qasem Soleimani by anonymous assailants a mere 17 days before President Donald J. Trump turned over the U. S. dictatorship to President Joe Biden, who was overheard just before his swearing-in ceremony, “That Trump, he’s a bad f_____g guy.”          

 

    Vacationing families will have an opportunity to be spectators at the weekly military parade hosted by the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps, otherwise known as “Goodfellas.”  Al-Surfi added that cotton candy will be swirling at the parade, and swords will be given to kids under the age of 45 as a token of remembrance of their time spent touring the uber-friendly (no relation to Persian Uber drivers) Evan Prison, where torture chambers have been elevated to a tourist destination.  “Yes, we’ve been blessed by Allah to have electronic body-stretching machines, a technological breakthrough Iran developed after the 1979 Revolution.”  

 

    Even more highlights in the all-inclusive 5-day/4-night package, which begin at $499 per person, include:

  • An opportunity to buy a timeshare that vacationers can swap with other resorts and hostels in Syria, Iraq, and the Zionist entity, also known as Boca Raton, FL.
  • For the entire family, a sightseeing tour of four major Iranian cities, which will feature the hangings from a construction crane of members of non-binary members of the LGBTQIA+ community. Four for the price of one! 
  • Rental vehicle (your choice of a Toyota Camry or a late-model Karmeini Quranvan).
  • A Hassan Nasrallah or Ruhollah Khomeini bobblehead – a gift for tourists to actually take home instead of smuggling it out of the caliphate – to display so that fellow drivers and pedestrians passing by can actually see it springing through the automobile’s rear window. (Please make selection immediately after booking your trip or you will have to settle for a bobblehead of former U.S. Vice-President Karmala Harris.)
  • Free, unlimited gasoline for your car at any of Iran’s Persian Petrol Plazas with vending machines that spit out halal products, such as Ice-Cold Ayatollah Cola and goat cheese with crackers if you put enough shekels in the money slot. (No credit cards accepted.).
  • The husband’s choice of a niqab, hijab, burkha or Victoria’s Secret see-through bra for their wives.
  • Optional: Immediate conversion to Islam by some of the most famous imams, mullahs, caliphs, ghazis, grand muftis, muezzin, kyais, mujtahids, ayatollahs, grand ayatollahs, marāji, muqallid, and Pentecostal snake handlers (only available on Sunday mornings). 

 

    “In an effort to foster cultural diplomacy among nations, we anticipate there will be a shared understanding and a collective sense of peace, stability and brotherhood which will include Christian-and-Jew-hugging sessions during your time spent with us on vacation,” Al-Surfi added. 

   

    (Editor’s Note:  The reporter who wrote this story actually experienced a Jew-hug from a former Ayatollah when visiting Paris in 1978 but later found out that the clergyman was actually an Iranian Olympic wrestler who attempted to squeeze the correspondent until he ultimately yielded to a near-death chokehold).

 

    Another spokesman for the Ministry of Tourism who declined to be named told journalists at a major press conference held in the ballroom of a Motel 6 that at Christmas time, “all two of our brand-new hotels will have a decorated tree from which Santa Claus will be hung in effigy.” 

 

    “Hannukah time?” he queried.  “The gifts for the Jewish kids will be so well-appreciated and plentiful that it will look like the youngsters’ heads will be spinning so fast they’ll feel as though they’re watching a dreidel on Viagra.”

 

    According to an official source in the Iranian Ministry of Propaganda, the country enjoyed a 1% increase in tourism in 2023, mostly from strangely dressed pilgrims and former Secretary of State John Kerry who was there to visit family.  “We anticipate another 312 tourists to travel to Iran by 2030, which by that time we will have enough first-class hotel rooms to welcome our nuclear family.”

 

    The spokesman added, “Our regime sends a considerable amount of money on peace-keeping missions, such as funding Hezbollah, Hamas and the Houthis.  We can now afford to do so because of the generosity of the current U.S. administration of President Joseph Biden and his efforts to promote nation-to-nation harmony, Inshallah.”

 

    It’s quite remarkable how cultural diplomacy, shared understanding, and collective peace and stability fosters relations between nations.  Now if only Iran had shahs instead of shaheeds, peace and stability might be achievable.