This was originally posted in my blog http://frumsatire.net

Many people I know keep negia, they brave the dark waters of celibacy and refrain from touching the opposite sex until marriage. They piss and moan about how they could be getting some and how much they miss their sex filled college days and so on. All of the sudden these same people are seen hugging women, sometimes kissing them on the cheek and I even get these random late night phone calls from supposedly shomer negia folks who just got some action. Based upon my experiences there are many sub-categories within the folks who claim to keep negia.

SUO- shomer until opportunity:
This crowd is very common I have noticed, these are the folks who are 100% shomer until they wind up at some after work party with some hottie hitting on them. The second the women show interest their once fervent stance on keeping negia is lost to the prospect of some steamy action. I think that many of these folks are the types that have hooked up with girls/guys in the past and know how good it can be. These SOU’s tend to not be the lifelong negia types. The folks who tend to be SOU’s are usually older singles, Modern Orthodox Machmir, flexidox and yeshiva rebels who frummed out in Israel- sorta.

Shomer N’fooling Around:
These folks are shomer when it comes to getting intimate, but when it comes to having folks sit next to them, put their arms around them or give them hugs they see no problem with this. Also in this crowd are those folks that think sleeping in the same bed with their “good friend” of the opposite sex- is no problem at all and they are just friends. The folks in this crowd tend to be from Modern Orthodox Liberal homes that brought them up in a very mixed yet protected lifestyle. Touching is not bad before marriage but intimacy is.

SUE- shomer until engaged:
I can definitely relate to this category, I was engaged after all and have come to the conclusion that unless you live in a community with separate sidewalks for men and women- you have probably experienced this sort of thing. I have spoken to many friends of mine many of whom are full time Kollel and Rebbe types who have confirmed my suspicions. Most of them deny getting all hot and steamy in the back seat of their blue and wood paneled Chevy wagons held with bungee cords, but they do admit to holding hands and hugging in dark corners of the top floor of the midtown Marriott. I guess if you were shomer until you got enaged you have to be higher then the MO-dox

SBD- Shomer by default:
If you could get some you probably would not be shomer, but since your too stupid to figure out how to use chat rooms, the casual encounter ads on craigslist and the poking mechanism on facebook you have resigned yourself to a life of free porn and staring at women over the mechitza. This category is filled up by nerdy and ugly folks who think they don’t have a chance in the world to get some action. Let me tell you something, anyone can get some if they tried just a little. These are the type of folks that never speak up when their friends are conversing with someone from the opposite sex and usually their friends are too rude to introduce them.

SCT- Shomer cock tease:
I know its hard to belive that this exists but it does. Some women just love to see men squirm and wonder how such beauty could be saved for some guy in the near future. These women tend to be future hot chanie and sheitle hooker types unless they already are. They prance around all hot and done up, yet they act like they are all frum by telling you they are shomer- almost spitting it in your face in fact.

SIP- Shomer in public:
They act shomer, but didn’t you just see them hug that person or give them one of those reassuring massages that is basically a come on without actually doing anything to frontal. I know plenty of these folks, they are with their girl/boy friends and they don’t touch, they even sit a little away from each other to act all frum and then boom- a casual look under the table will reveal all hell is going on under there. Footsie aint like it was when I was growing up.

ESN- extreme shomer negia:
I had this Rebbe in high school who would clear a line of people whenever him or his wife had to exit shull. These are the types that slam your change down on the counter rather them drop it in your hand. These types also avoid eye contact as if that would make them want to jump your bones and they try and act as rude as possible so you don’t try and do anything stupid. These folks tend to identify with the charedi movement and agree with the Saudis on many of their shomer negia policies besides the honor killing stuff. These people also tend to drink lots of mountain dew and ride skateboards for fear of walking on the same ground as the opposite sex.

SBHS- shomer besides hand shakes:
Classic modern orthodoxy and even some of the frummier types will shake a woman’s hand when the time calls for it. I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. As Tupac says in the song “you wonder why they call you bitch- business strictly business.”

SUD- shomer unless drunk:
I have a friend who would hook up with girls at parties when he got drunk. He would call me up and tell me he did something stupid and I knew exactly what it was, then he would learn some mussar and go about his business with that feeling of guilt they pound into you during yeshiva.

MSN- Militant Shomer Negia:
Does your town have one of those Vaad Hatznius organizations that believes in threatening people because they may not keep negia? Have you heard of guys/gals being beat up because they were seen talking to each other? Separate halls at weddings for the men and women since the Berlin Wall style mechitza’s are just not enough? When all else fails, the charedim take to the streets to protest some sort of event in which guys/gals may see each other. MSN folks are the type who would rather see intermarriage then have groups like NCSY and any other sort of coed programs. They also tend to believe in complete seperation unless its child conceiving time, basically the women slaves over the child rearing and food making while the man slaves over a gemara or diamond counter. Looking at the opposite sex is counted as breaking shomer negia.

SUH- shomer until horny:
These are my favorites, the folks who are hardcore shomer until they cant take the pressure anymore. I am sure many of you may feel the same way. In fact I was at the Homowack with my father a few years ago and I met two single girls in their upper 20s. We got into a conversation about being shomer negia and they revealed that besides holding hands they, like good bais yaakov girls had never touched a guy. They also revealed that they had made a pact, not unlike the one in the first American Pie, in which they had both agreed to go out and have sex if they weren’t married by 30, I said why wait? They haven’t contacted me as of yet. Since many bloggers happen to be single women I am curious if many of them feel this way. I also wonder about those frum older singles- are they similar to the 40 year old virgin movie?