10. Nosey – He blows that honker so loud you would think that he’s hiding a trombone in there. Sounds even better when the Shul has great acoustics.
9. Cry Baby – Davens like he’s going through the worst break up in the history of mankind.
8. Scrunchy – Face is all red and scrunched up, fists are tightly balled, keeping a tight grip on that air, while mouthing all the words like he’s eating a triple whopper sandwich.
7. Swingy Wonder – He jumps, he yells, he sings the words, and if you’re real lucky you may be able to find his head swooping side to side as if he’s listening to some ultra cool R&B music that only he can hear.
6. Martian Auctioneer – Is he just davening really fast or does he know a holier language than Hebrew where all the words are the same: “Chabachojachabojachajachobachaboja…”
5. Shadow Boxer – This guy is just looking for something to beat up, whether it’s his hand, his chest, his hair, his lower lip, the guy next to him…
4. Mr. Sign Language – He knows that it is assur to talk during davening so instead he pretends that he forgot the English language and only knows how to grunt: “Ugh! Nu! Nah-ugh! Uh-huh!” while pointing with hand gestures that have a mind of their own.
3. Mr. ‘Mazel Tov’ Synonym: “Kidush, kidush, kidush, heh heh.”
2. Shushy – Listen, I know people should not talk so that you can hear what’s going on but here’s a novel idea: You might hear better if you weren’t sitting in the back
And the number one person no minyan is complete without
1. Li’l Cranky Yanky – Will someone please shut that baby up!