Things I Learned from my Jewish Mother

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that stain will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all your spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times – Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"