10. After a successful prayer rabbi announces he has good news for his congregation: "He just saved a lot of money by switching to Geiko"
9. Instead of Atonement, G-d offers consolation prize: free month Jdate membership
8. Cantor warns congregation of the possibility of him including some "Explicit Lyrics" in this year's Kol Nidre
7. Birkat Kohanim replaced with Bikram Yoga
6. Pledge cards actually just old bangitout Tubav dating cards
5. Concluding powerful shofar sound played on 1985 Casio keyboard
4. Ladies auxiliary seen scalping half price tickets outside synagogue
3. Somber Yizkor service concludes with a moment of silence for Biggie Smalls
2. Rabbi's speech actually different from last year's
1. Your mother goes entire day without praying for you to get married already