Yom Kippur |
The Super Bowl |
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| Proceeded by ten days of repentance, during which you learn about the faults of people around you. | Proceeded by two weeks of hype, during which you learn about the faults of obscure athletes. |
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| Fasting Purifies the soul. | Snacking clogs the arteries. |
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| Observant Jews worldwide stand and chant following the cues of their religous leaders. | Football fands worldwide stand and cheer following the cues of John Madden. |
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| Kol Nidre. | Pre-Game Show. |
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| Carrying money is forbidden. | Billions of dollars gambled. |
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| Everyone wants to know who shall be enscribed in the Book of Life. | Everyone wants to know who shall be enscribed in the NFL Record Book |
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| Story of Jonah eaten by the whale retold each Yom Kippur. | Story of Tarkenton eaten by the Pittsburgh defense retold each Super Bowl. |
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| Millions of Jews attend services only on this day. | Millions of people watch football only on this day. |
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| Five separate services, lasting from 9:30 AM to sunset. | Pre-Game show, Game and Post-Game show, lasting from 9:30 AM to 10:00 PM. |
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| Ends with final shofar blast, followed by lame benidiction from Rabbi. | Ends with popping of champagne corks, followed by lame phone call from President. |
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| Overpriced tickets. | Overpriced tickets. |
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| Wearing of leather shoes forbidden. | Holding of pigskin encouraged. |
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| People who observe it gently patronized by mainstream society as "our Jewish Friends". | People who ignore it gently patronized by mainstream society as "out of touch geeks". |
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| Key prayers repeated over and over. | Key plays shown over and over using super slo-mo |
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| Dropping Torah scroll — 40 days fast. | Dropping football – 40 years as Super Scapegoat. |
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| Traditional Jews forbid women from being called to the Torah. | Traditional football coaches forbid women from their locker rooms. |
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| Break the fast with a glass of wine. | End the game by pouring Gatorade over winning coach. |
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| Wailing in agony over your misdeeds. | Wailing in agony over referee's miscalls |
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| Follows New Year. | Follows New Year. |
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| Congregants wear tallisim. | Players wear shoulder pads. |
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| Jews beat themselves on the chest. | Players pat teammates on ass. |
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This article is Copyright 1992, 1995 by Noel Rappin and Ross Garmil. All Rights reserved. Do not reprint without this notice attached. Orignally printed in GRAVITY: The Humor Magazine of Brandeis University, Volume 3 Issue 1, December 1992